If I see another David Gold interview on the poor East End Jewish boy done good I'll impale myself on one of his dildos.

I had an Aston Martin phone worth ?15,000 given to me as a present. I dropped it in a gin and tonic about 15 seconds after opening it.

Agents are nasty scum. They're evil and divisive and pointless. They only survive because the rest of the sport is so corrupt and because leading football club people employ their sons in the job.

I'm not going to drag it out or make a point, because points are pointless.

In retrospect, of course I regret calling them (Charlton fans) morons. Imbeciles would have been more appropriate.

What does Everton chairman Bill Kenwright think he will get for £6m? Andy Johnson's trainers?

I'm no respecter of tradition and I have no time for the Manchester Uniteds and Arsenals of this world. There's nothing to admire in these clubs. They're just bullshit worlds full of bullshit people.

Even if I built a 50,000-seater stadium and bought Ronaldinho, there'd still be complaints about crap hotdogs.

Andrew is an integral part of the team and he is staying at my football club. The reality is I need him to score the goals that will get us promoted.

People seem to remember the sacrifices they made more than what the sacrifices were for.

I'm not a conservative or a free market advocate or a Republican because, you know, I want people to like me.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Death is what men want when the anguish of living is more than they can bear.

Basically, I was always very interested in comedy, but I was much more sort of academic. And then, after college, loaded with my art history degree, I decided to go work at Comedy Central as a temp.

A wheel that can be turned though nothing else moves with it, is not a part of the mechanism.

Philadelphia is the only city, where you can experience the thrill of victory and the agony of reading about it the next day.

If it can be written, or thought, it can be filmed.

The more we demand that institutions allow us to be who we are, the more they're going to have to.

What a wonderful way to kill. (Misa)