If I wanted to go crazy I would do it in Washington because it would not be noticed

Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

To be born in Kentucky is a heritage; to brag about it is a habit; to appreciate it is a virtue.

Until you go to Kentucky and with your own eyes behold the Derby, you ain't never been nowhere and you ain't seen nothin'!

If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.

You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

If a woman likes another woman, she's cordial. If she doesn't like her, she's very cordial.

A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.

Men are vain; but they won't mind women working so long as they get smaller wages for the same job.

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.

What a piece of work is man!

I am constitutionally competent to contest the elections.

I'm an anxious person. What I like best is to smoke cigarettes and listen to music. A perfect day for me is a day with coffee, cigarettes, and music, to quote Jim Jarmusch.

Human beings lose their logic in their vindictiveness.

Life is short, science is long; opportunity is elusive, experiment is dangerous, judgement is difficult.

The best stomachs are not those which reject all foods.

The biggest risk a person can take is to do nothing.

I've cheated myself: there are other things I could have done to fill out the bouquet of my career.

So… um… what’s the, er, date? You know, the due date for the little monster.