If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The material world coexists alongside the ideal life, and the purest intentions are bound to the earth by ridiculous threads, but they are threads of iron and they are not easily broken.

The tender sentiment of the 'one and only' has less to do with constancy of heart than with singleness of opportunity.

It feels like I'm babysitting in the Twilight Zone. I keep waiting for the parents to show up because we are out of chips and diet cokes.

Is there anything men take more pains about than to render themselves unhappy?

You want to win things and I am at a club where we have the players to do that.

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

My earrings are worth just enough to buy me a coffin if I die in a strange place. That was the reason why sailors used to wear them.

The Hideout is here to help you get through today and tomorrow. Be brave. It's not your fault. Remember, the road will get smoother and there is always hope that tomorrow will be better.

Desire suppressed finds its way into other more surreal settings, into dreams.

A frog in a well cannot conceive of the ocean.