If I was as rich as Rockefeller I'd be richer than Rockefeller, because I'd do a bit of window cleaning on the side.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

It's better to make people laugh than cry.

To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, its the best job in the world.

I suppose I would like to be remembered as one of the funniest men that people have seen on television.

The opposite of anger is not calmness, its empathy.

I prefer the earlier birth control techniques, which ranged from the delicious (using honey as a spermicide) to the aerobic (jumping backward seven times after coitus).

We all love narratives where we're the captain of our boat, and Americans love them more than anybody else.

I'm just glad that my community has faith and confidence in me.

The most fun is getting paid to learn things.

Who could not be moved by the sight of that poor, demoralized rabble, outwitted, outflanked, outmanoeuvered by the U.S. military? Yet, given time, I think the press will bounce back.

What did i know of your fantasies? Why do we know so little about the fantasies of our parents? What do we know of somebody if we know nothing of the images passed to him by his imagination?

Art is the means we have of undoing the damage of haste. It's what everything else isn't.

My comments are reserved for reputable journalists.

Kids instinctively know - although they will argue to the contrary - that they really are not mature enough to make good decisions on some important issues.