If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

Hold strong to your faith

People sell their soul in such small quantities - a seemingly trivial compromise here, a rationalization of a minor evil there - that they don't realize what they're doing until it is too late.

The universe is full of fuel.

Where was my guardian angel when I needed him most? If only I knew.

I will be very sad and worried if the imperialist government was calling me a great democratic man.

I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.

Women should not allow themselves to be caught up in the hype that says performance, meaning the motions, is what matters.

Pitching in the big leagues is a dream. Preparing to pitch in the big leagues is a nightmare!

[There can be no] rational administration of government when good men are held in the same esteem as bad ones.

A collection of masks, depicting historical figures in life and what I like to call the eternal repose.