If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

A successful marriage was a balancing act-that was a thing everyone knew. A successful marriage was also dependent on a high tolerance for irritation.

I said, 'If other beings besides us exist on Earth, why didn't we meet them a long time ago?

I don't know technology and engineering. I don't know accounting.

And we'd drink huge amounts of scotch and coke, which is a ghastly sweet drink... And now people don't drink nearly as much, for good reason. We're all a little wiser.

I know a lot about health, wellness, and nutrition. I make my own kombucha. I'm clumsy.

I used up every cent I had earned as an actress.

I've noticed that sometimes when you keep things a little smaller, it's easier to focus on the creative aspects of what you're doing.

The ideal of service and the urge to practice it form the very heart of education.

Perhaps you considered yourself an oracle, Mouthpiece of the dead, or of some god or other. Thirty years now I have labored To dredge the silt from your throat. I am none the wiser.

I am not a party candidate, and if elected cannot be President of a party, but the President of the whole people.