If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.

No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.

Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!

The changes we dread most may contain our salvation.

Whenever I get into a tough situation...I think of growing up, and I say, 'This situation won't be the worst one I've ever been in.

You do get the pregnant mush-brain... you know what it's like? It's like getting stoned.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

I keep saying, Shakespeare, Shakespeare, you are as obscure as life is.

But could it be little me you was hecklin me Now it's monotony winnin regularly

I love mockumentaries. When they're done right, they're really good.

Poetry has been the longest pleasure of my life.

O God of battles! steel my soldiers’ hearts. Possess them not with fear.