If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

The better you become as each day goes by, the more you heap dust upon you past until you completely bury it. No matter how obnoxious it was

It's like a fairy tale. . . on crack!

You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart

A good imitation is the most perfect originality.

I find [Donald Trump] to be a vile human being - one that lies so often, so casually, and with such confidence, that fact-checkers actually cannot keep up.

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I try to work on shows that I would want to watch.

Dying to your own attachments is a beautiful death. Because this death releases you into real life. You have to die as a seed to live as a tree.

The television commercial is not at all about the character of products to be consumed. It is about the character of the consumers of products. (128)

A newly elected representative quickly discovers that his job in government-aside from making new laws-is to act as a broker, middleman, special pleader and finagler.