If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Maar als je genoeg kikkers kust, kom je vanzelf wel een prins tegen.

Engineering is the continuation of politics by other means

A record deal doesn't make you an artist

Good, ’ he said. ‘Cause Maggie’s all the nightmare I can take.’I smiled. ‘Gus, I never knew you dreamed of me.’He gave me a one-fingered salute.

Profound love demands a deep conception and out of this develops reverence for the mystery of life. It brings us close to all beings, to the poorest and smallest as well as all others.

It's better to be a corporation today than to be a woman in front of the Supreme Court.

Black musicians were either trying to be American or trying to play down their Caribbean roots.

I've realized how little sleep I actually need.

In meditation you are not unconscious, you are conscious - more conscious than ever.

Every book in the world is out there waiting to be read by me.