If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

El reproche y la culpa solo sirven para aprisionarnos y para no dejarnos avanzar.

On horseback you feel as if you're moving in time to classical music a camel seems to progress to the beat of a drum played by a drunk.

It's not that I don't understand it. But people think if you speak with an English accent it somehow makes you smarter.

If Jesus were here today, he wouldn't be riding around on a donkey. He'd be taking a plane, he'd be using the media.

No, I don't have any problems leaving disappointments behind. I've had lots of good days at golf and a few disappointments, so you never know what's around the corner.

Everybody prefers to see a nut - they're more fascinating.

When I started writing it was kind of hard getting people to do my stuff. They' say they couldn't do my style.

I think Jews tend to hold me in fairly high regard.

What the apartheid system was really good at doing was convincing groups to hate one another.

Make sure the lubricant is unscented. Don't join fashionable 'schools of thought.' Read everything.