If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I've changed my ways a little, I cannot nowRun with you in the evenings along the shore, Except in a kind of dream, and you, if you dream a moment, You see me there.

Marriage, in my view, should be a balanced stalemate between equal adversaries.

There are no gods, no nations, no money and no human rights, except in our collective imagination.

People say, like, 'Are you a regular person?' 'Well, I'm not a robot, if that's what you're asking, I really am a person.

Being on a mission-not thinking about myself and focusing on serving other people-is what brought me closer to God than anything else.

Generally, cars were not built to sit on dealer lots. It encourages the wrong kind of behavior in the whole system.

Atheism is the absence of a belief in a god, nothing more. If the theist wishes to draw monumental implications from this lack of belief, he must argue for his claims.

She's just playing a trick on us. This is just an Alaska Young Prank Extraordinaire. It's Alaska being Alaska, funny and playful and not knowing when or how to put on the brakes.

As a general rule, people tend to do best what they enjoy doing most.

Magic and religion are ultimately experiential in nature and should be treated as such.