If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Life is only precious because it ends, kid. Take it from a god. You mortals don't know how lucky you are

To desire is to dream.

Some people said beware of enemies. Some said beware of friends and some said beware of frenemies, but the most dangerous people are those that will hurt you and still play the victim.

There is more than one way to be Kluxed, and we need to think about ourselves and the kind of people we elect into public office.

It is naught it is naught saith the buyer. But when he is gone his way then he boasteth.

The family is the building block for whatever solidarity there is in society.

The home ownership process for Native Americans has been hobbled by bureaucratic delays and regulations.

Good. If you checked your e-mail every five minutes, or keep texting and Tweeting in the middle of our conversation, I might snap your neck out of sheer principle.

I'm going to crush my competition and I'm going to enjoy doing it.

The power of a sports team in a community it's almost indescribable.