If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

You can cage their wings, you can't cage their spirit.

for the people must have some complicated machinery or other, and hear its din, to satisfy that idea of government which they have.

No one has tamed you and you haven't tamed anyone.Your'e the way my fox was. He was just a fox like a hundred thousand others. But I've made him my friend, and now he's the only fox in the world.

It is a poor observance of our first century as a nation if we run up a flag of surrender with three dying maple leaves on it.

That's the only way that I can figure out how to live, is to say, "Well, I don't know what this adds up to, but I can do the best I can."

Now, because of this big backdrop that we've given ourselves, these little personal, human details take on a whole new context and give us opportunities for comedy.

The Iraqi troops and the Iraqi fighters are in control of all the places, as we have witnessed, no big change in that. We are fighting against them.

I grew up raised by my mom and my two sisters, so I never had a real male influence in my life. I never really understood heterosexual male relationships.

Ben's emphasis was on protecting his expectation of profit with minimum risk.

Be non-trend-driven, and explore, be creative and take risks as an artist and as a cultural communicator.