If a man thinks he is not conceited, he is very conceited indeed.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

So far I had the god of evil and the god of terror on my side. My good-guy image was taking a serious beating. Maybe I should recruit some unicorns or kittens with rainbow powers to even us out.

Who said I won't fail? I might. Who said I might give up? I won't.

The self can only be realized, and the realization can only happen, out of personal experience.

Never place your punch at the beginning of a column nor at the end. Sneak it in where it's least expected. Fill a whole column with drivel, just to get in that one important line.

Appius Livius Ocella made mistakes in his whole long existence. Perhaps changing Eric was his finest hour. He created the perfect vampire. Eric's only flaw is you.

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer.

I'm a fan of half-hour shows that can be both funny and dramatic.

People who are complaining about the Fed are people who've been predicting runaway inflation for five and six years, and it hasn't happened.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Justice, truth, and beauty are sisters and comrades. With three such beautiful words we have no need to look for any others.