If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

My life has been one great big joke, A dance that's walked, A song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke, When I think about myself.

We don't know how bad we are until we try to be good. Nothing exposes our selfishness and spiritual pwerlessness like prayer.

One of the main reasons and excuses behind every religious failure is a” FALSE PROMISE”.

Social work is an opportunity for huge hearts they remember to do small things.

Let us all be brave enough to die the death of a martyr, but let no one lust for martyrdom.

My mother was an economics professor. I'm proficient in math, and statistics, game theory, symbolic logic and all of that.

I believe in education and wish I had a better one.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off a boat? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

It is a folly second to none; to try to improve the world.

The birds that were singing in the dew-drenched garden seemed to be telling the flowers about her.