If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

They have money and position and Ann has none.It's amazing how often you can be right as long as you have those two things working in your favor.

beneath the pain of your fears, wild and ready, lives your truth, the essence of your singular beauty, hoping, waiting for you to set it free.

For my part, I think that the mystery is always greatest where there is the most - emptiness.

Let us be guardians, not gardeners

But you come to a point in your life when you can't pull the trigger anymore.

There is nothing we like to communicate to others as much as the seal of secrecy together with what lies under it.

Every Christian became a missionary the moment God breathed his Spirit into him or her.

Youth makes no compromise with life. It demands all, passionately; loses all, or wins, with anguish of spirit.

I've never contended that I had a really horrible life.

There's a snake hidden in the grass.