If anything should take place behind closed doors, it was cruelty and betrayal.

There seemed to be no one in a position of power, from the Vatican to Wall Street, from Parliament to Scotland Yard to Fleet Street, who could think of anything better to do than abuse it....

The measure of a work of art is how much art it has in it, not how much ‘relevance’. Relevant to whom? Relevant to what? Nothing is more ephemeral than a hot topic.

An editor sleeping with his writer was not as bad as a psychoanalyst sleeping with his patient, or even a professor sleeping with an undergraduate, let alone a president with an intern.

Every tough situation, toughen the soul.

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

Innocence is a splendid thing, only it has the misfortune not to keep very well and to be easily misled.

The world is so full of possibilities that dogmatism is simply indecent.

In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''

I didn't audition for 'SNL.' I sent in a tape to 'SNL' the year before I started writing there, but I got the job there through doing stand-up on Fallon.

Americans began by loving youth, and now, out of adult self-pity, they worship it.

There are two things I eat that I know I shouldn't: chocolate and ice cream. You only live once, so I am going to eat chocolate.

Homoeopathy is supposed to work miracles.

Give me the facts, and I will twist them the way I want, to suit my argument.