If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The words ran away with me.

The princess requests your princess at the Kronig. She says…” Bendsten paused, a smile curling his normally taciturn expression into one of humor. “One kidnapping deserves another.

If the whole world followed you, Followed to the letter, Tell me if it followed you, Would the world be better?

We need to see the connection between global warring and global warming, and it's oil. Sustainability is the path to peace.

In so many musicals today, the story is moved forward by a song. I don't think we're gonna try to do that.

Like drinking a cup of tea, all the simple things in life are the real things that make us happy!

[My mother tongue is] Albanian. But, I am equally fluent in Bengali (language of Calcutta) and English.

I probably have become more infamous from two misdemeanors than probably anyone I could think of.

It's true that laughter really is cheap medicine. It's a prescription anyone can afford. And best of all, you can fill it right now.

Consider the silent repose of the sausage as compared to the aggressiveness of bacon.