If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Bored with the same type of misery over and over and over again.

The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy but that it is a bore.

I beseech you in the bowels of Christ think it possible you may be mistaken.

My doctors warned me repeatedly that if you don't stay positive, you don't do well.

I have never wanted to go abroad before but you can never say never in football.

And for all his life it would be kindness and love that made him cry, never pain or persecution, which on the contrary only reinforced his spirit and his resolution.

THE old man died beneath the wheels of the twentieth century. There was nothing left but stains, bloodstains and fragments of flesh . . . And the same thing is happening to my generation.

All my life has been about proving myself.

Fight the tendency to become complacent and do one kind of music - that is the death of a musician.

I don't mind being called a liberal. I just don't really think it's true.