If criticism is needed, do it tactfully. Don't use a sledgehammer when a fly swatter will do the job.

The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.

In the end, it's not what you do for your children but what you've taught them to do for themselves.

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them.

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.

Keep in mind that the true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good.

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

Anyone who believes the competitive spirit in America is dead has never been in a supermarket when the cashier opens another check-out line.

They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid.

So much of a stand-up's life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these strangers, and sort of surgical in terms of how funny I can be in three minutes.

Writing what you wished was the most dangerous form of wishful thinking.

The image of God, then, involves gender identity and complementarity. God created gender in duality as male and female.

I guess I'll retire someday if I live that long.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

A brainiac notices everything, an ignoramus comments about everything.

My favourite authors include Trollope and Dickens.

A lot of these "reality shows" do a lot of producing scenes and producing things and drama and all that but we did the deal contingent that we wouldn't do that.

I don't want my daughter to be educated. I think women should just be decorative.