If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Don't despair: despair suggests you are in total control and know what is coming. You don't - surrender to events with hope.

Your life is like a coin. You can spend it anyway you want, but only once. Make sure you invest it and don't waste it. Invest it in something that matters to you and matters for eternity.

On a date, if you look more often to your phone than to your girlfriend/wife, then you have a problem... but if it is your partner who is messaging you, than you both need help.

I don't have a problem with a world full of vampires and zombies but with one where the law forbids me from shooting them.

So this, Harriet thought, gazing at her black-clad reflection, was what bearing up looked like. The eyes in the mirror stared at her, somehow, while fixing themselves far

A dull speech which is full of truths is much more brilliant than an eloquent speech which is full of lies!

I love to photograph the gorgeous landscapes when I travel.

It is good To lengthen to the last a sunny mood.

Under this fine rain I breathe in the innocence of the world. I feel coloured by the nuances of infinity. At this moment I am one with my picture. We are an iridescent chaos.

There's always something suspect about an intellectual on the winning side.