If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Every town has its stories. Stories that have been told so many times by so many different people they've worked themselves into the collective consciousness as truth.

In politics there is a large difference between loosing and being defeated.

Education stuffs you full of ideas without the coinciding experience that gave rise to those ideas in the first place, giving you incorrect perspective and notions.

[G]ive him this much: death didn't just walk up and inhale him. He wasn't exactly whisked away. He left claw marks on his life.

If he's the person i think he is, he'll handle it just right" Tarah had said. "If not, your better off without him.

Man needs for his happiness not only the enjoyment of this or that but hope and enterprise and change.

An anarchist does not want to rule others and does not want others to rule him. Nothing is so despicable as half-an-anarchist.

I seek refuge in Thee from every hope which would distract me.

I think it's important for people who love music to retain physical CDs or even vinyl, because it sounds so great and so much warmer than music over the internet.

The best time to cry is at night, when the lights are out and someone is being beaten up and screaming for help.