If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Treat your fiends as you do your picture and place them in their best light.

An anniversary says, "Think of the dreams you have weathered together. They are intimate accomplishments."

There is no doubt that in exchanging a self-centered for a selfless life we gain enormously in self-esteem. The vanity of the selfless, even those who practice utmost humility, is boundless.

When most of us talk to our dogs, we tend to forget that they're not people.

I had a moment like that with Wilt (Chamberlain). He knocked me out of bounds, I came back and faked him, came across the middle and dunked on him.

If God is in Heaven, Hell is empty.

I knew Slash in high school, but not very well. Just knew him as this kid that used to hang out in the hallway. Pretty much looked then the way he does now.

Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right - they are the dumbest team in America.

I cried when I heard Johnny Carson died.

Democrats believe they can win at the ballot box by obstructing, and they would rather win the next election than move America forward.