If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The faculty of art is to change events

If you're selfish enough to kill yourself write your suicide note on the back of your will

People shout when they don't have the vocabulary to whisper.

I refer to my non-productive periods as fallow times. I think they are essential.

There's more to me than football. It's just part of my life.

When forces of oppression come to maintain themselves in power against established law, peace is considered already broken.

Gentlemen are overestimated, that is my experience.

I served two tours in Iraq, in the Marine Corps.

Of course, I continue to play and to practice. I think I would do so if I lived for another hundred years.

There is an obligation both moral, but also legal, I believe, against a reporter disclosing something which would so severely compromise national security.