If it's inappropriate to write about, if there's nothing funny about it, then it's not funny.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

Many Texas barbecue fanatics have a strong belief in the beneficial properties of accumulated grease.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

Perhaps we've time to have a look at the Number Thirty-One bus queue before we turn in.

I'm in favor of liberalizing immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English.

Every good idea sooner or later degenerates into hard work.

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions.

I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

Writing a novel is actually searching for victims. As I write I keep looking for casualties. The stories uncover the casualties.", Eighth Series, ed. George Plimpton, 1988)

Memories are not shackles, Franklin, they are garlands.

Don't listen when they scoff That you are too old and I am young, For I am old enough to know better And you are young enough not to care.

It's better to be cautious and play it safe than regret pushing him too hard. We're supposed to get another read on it soon.

As I found out making this last movie ["Method"], if you ever do things in an unusual, different way, you got to fight because there's no way people will let you.

I don't fight for bragging rights. I've proved myself.

Don't waste your energy trying to convince people to understand you. Your time is too valuable to try to prove yourself to people.

I'd do a lot of things to protect you.

You know how cunningly mankind is planned: We have one loving and one hating hand. The loving's made to hold each other like, While with the hating other hand we strike.

I think people can believe in anything.