If it turns out that Barry Bonds used steroids to bulk up and add muscle mass, he could get four to eight years as governor of California

The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.

It's a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.

Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.

He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.

George W. Bush is so pro-Mexico that if you hit him with a stick prizes would fall out of him.

Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.

They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani fired his wife, Donna Hanover, as official hostess of the mayor's mansion last weekend. He's got his own idea of what a hostess should be. He wants a little cupcake.

A woman's love for a man is half animal passion and half hate. The more a woman loves a man, the more she hates him.

We may be reaching the end of the liberal world order.

Art should never try to be popular.

The interest and the feelings are not due to colors; the lines of a painting that move us move us even more in a print.

Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world.

There are no throwaway people.

I have my aluminum siding business, and that's going like a house afire.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

I guessed his name was Face of Horror. I wondered how long it had taken his mom to think of that. Bob? No. Sam? No. How about Face of Horror?

While a little faith may bring your souls to heaven, a lot of faith--clinging to God despite your circumstances--will bring heaven to your soul