If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Have you no wish for others to be saved? Then you're not saved yourself, be sure of that!

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

I have a 13-year-old daughter who rents these bloody horror movies, and I can't even walk into the room when she's watching them with her friends.

If you know what you are going to write when you're writing a poem, it's going to be average.

Take your vitamins. Don't drink vodka. Get used to empire waistlines.

The soul is the perceiver and the revealer of truth.

I played a maniac fan who murders a policeman and she did my makeup. I thought anyone interested in me looking like that must have genuinely liked me.

The Enemy has been here in the night of our natural ignorance, and sown the tares of spiritual errors.

It is a position not to be controverted, that the earth ... was and ever would have continued to be, the COMMON PROPERTY OF THE HUMAN RACE.