If it wasn't for golf, I don't know what I'd be doing. If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant somewhere.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

It costs money to stay healthy, but it's even more expensive to get sick.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.

An ear can break a human heart As quickly as a spear, We wish the ear had not a heart So dangerously near.

Everyone’s a believer when things are going fine. The real faith is when one becomes patient with tribulations.

She wants me to take out Patton.” Barron’s brows draw together. “Take out? As in transform him?” “No,” I say. “As in take out to dinner. She thinks we’d make a good couple.

Happiness lends poetic charms to woman, and dress adorns her like a delicate tinge of rouge.

I thought that because I wasn't a sickly person - I never have been - I thought I was healthy. So I assumed health. I didn't have it.

When I was little, I didn't like being left on my own in the dark.

I knew nothing but love and devotion when I was growing up. Trust me, it makes everything easier.

Beauty is a delightful prejudice.