If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Things that other people do, or that happen to people you love, are some of the things you can't fight.

If I die unexpectedly can everyone just do the right thing and pretend I was a way better person than I am?

It is better to be part of a great whole than to be the whole of a small part.

Some persons choose, rather than stay in immortal bliss all the time, to come back for others.

If you have never seen beauty in a moment of suffering, you have never seen beauty at all. If you have never seen joy in a beautiful face, you have never seen joy at all.

The greatest discoveries are those that shed light unto ourselves.

So. Are you guys here to convert me or sell me siding?

When I write, I put aside the heterosexual world to admit a muse that is a woman-loving-woman female.

My "drop in the ocean" will contribute to the enlightenment of Europe, so to speak.

I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head.