If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Friendship grows from a caring heart with sense and sensibilities.

An active civil position makes a Christian strong as the image of God

A mood disorder is dangerous. You've got to get those dramatic waves of highs and lows stabilized. It's dangerous if you don't.

HAPPINESS is ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED

Hungry men have no respect for law, authority or human life.

No Jews have our own guilt, that's why we have psychiatrists - the Jewish version of a priest.

I was once more in a time which the things around me were changing and that is how I wanted it to be for the rest of my days.

Look at all our old men in pubs. Look at all our young people on drugs.

There is something that I have in common with every citizen of Russia, the love for our motherland.

This is my ultimate fantasy: watching QVC with a credit card while making love and eating at the same time.