If life was fair Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Mind your mind, soon, you will mine from it.

Learn to listen to subtle cues from your spirit instead of the barrage coming from your brain.

God wants to make us understand and draw our attention to how important it is to learn to value one another

I started to draw buildings. I called them Proposed Colossal Monuments - they weren't for real, not for actual building. It was more a critique of architecture.

To be more aware, we need only listen for and let go of the thoughts which steal our attention.

We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.

Nothing in life is static; it either gets better, or it gets worse.

Our leaders continue to say that we're making strong headway against this problem. And I think we are not.

Life is so brief and time is a thief when you're undecided.

They that do much themselves deny, Receive more blessings from the sky.