If my Catholic boyfriend and I ever have a kid, we'll just be honest with it. We'll say that Mommy is one of God's chosen people, and Daddy believes that Jesus is magic!

Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.

It is enough", this malicious man tells us, "to extinguish the line of the defeated prince." Can one read this without quivering in horror and indignation?

I request you to try to be warm-hearted. I ask this of you because these mental attitudes actually bring us happiness.

Heaven knows, it's not the way it could be.

With music and art, I can create the kind of world in which I wish to live.

The evolution from happiness to habit is one of death's best weapons.

I wouldn't give a performer something I couldn't deliver myself.

You may have heard of me.

As with everything in nature, if your life isn’t supported by a grounded source of energy, it will wither and lose its vitality.

I've found that you don't need to wear a necktie if you can hit.

I hold in my hands the very soul of a man. What more dare a woman ask of the high gods?