If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Personal affection is a luxury you can have only after all your enemies are eliminated. Until then, everyone you love is a hostage, sapping your courage and corrupting your judgment.

Maybe she had it wrong all this time and her empty heart could never be filled by his ingenious broken spirit. Maybe this yearning had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with her.

Birthday Soup is good to eat, but not as good as Birthday Cake.

You are mine." He spoke against her lips. "You always have been. You always will be.

Our ownership in Christ is documented in the Word of God, and our names are registered in the Lamb's Book of Life.

Hunger is good discipline.

You know, if I'm in a bad mood, I always look at the chessboard, just to find something that can cheer me up.

International law now grants rights to all human beings, not only to citizens.

Rudy Giuliani is on the list [of Secretary of State ] not because of competence, not because of foreign policy experience, he's on most entirely because of loyalty to Donald Trump.

Vanity as an impulse has without doubt been of far more benefit to civilization than modesty has ever been.