If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

You become what you think about all day long.

Shut out all of your past except that which will help you weather your tomorrows.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

Politics means striving to share power or striving to influence the distribution of power, either among states or among groups within a state.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

The measure of a man’s character is not determined by how he handles his wins, but how he handles his failures.

They build too low who build beneath the skies.

Compulsive modernization is the insatiable desire to change and grow.

This craving for health, wealth, long life, and the like - the so - called good - is nothing but an illusion.