If people take the trouble to cook, you should take the trouble to eat.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.

To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness. Then if you're not a good mixer you can always fall back on your own company.

The French are a logical people, which is one reason the English dislike them so intensely. The other is that they own France, a country which we have always judged to be much too good for them.

I don’t work. I merely inflict myself on the public.

The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.

The ball is man's most disastrous invention, not excluding the wheel.

A party: one arrives long after it's started, and one's going to leave long before it's over.

Every child should be placed on a doorstep to sell something. It's the best possible training for life.

When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of the mess I am in now, he thought for a long time, and I didn't care much for his answer. 'Yes,' he said. 'Death would help.'

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

Don't get it right - get it WRITTEN!

With their backs to the sunrise they worship the night.

If you knew what I was, Ash, you would not like me either.

In the darkest of times, laughter helps revolutionize our perspective.

I took some time out for life.

I don't think that modesty is the outstanding characteristic of contemporary politics, do you?

What do I care about Jupiter? Justice is a human issue, and I do not need a god to teach it to me.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Learn from it... tomorrow is a new day.

My basic principle is that you don't make decisions because they are cheap; you make them because they're right.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.