If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Make your dreams your goals, so that they are a part of you and not just a wish.

SOUNDS GROSS, " he said. "SALAZAR PREFERS WOOD. TAPESTRIES ARE ALSO ACCEPTABLE.

As a wife, daughter, friend, and the founder and CEO of LearnVest, my schedule is anything but simple. But I learned early on how to meticulously manage my time.

Appearances are nothing.... And first of all they should not be feared, they are only dangerous to the weak.

What is this word that broke through the fence of your teeth, Atreides?

You cannot eat your cake and have it.

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

Being satisfied with the status quo means you are not making progress

I think I have mental problems, I think I have like weird obsessions with things, really annoying.

I sometimes get tired because I can seldom read a book for pleasure. I'm like the play reviewer who happens to go to a play on an off day and can't help but view it critically.