If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

The voice of the Soul can be heard within the silence of the unaffected mind. Listen.

Draw great strength from your family and give in turn to those who come after you.

I love the fact we're still on the road. I was born to be a factory worker really, so for me the chance to get on stage at Wembley 30 years after we started is amazing.

The discipline of practice every day is essential. When I skip a day, I notice a difference in my playing. After two days, the critics notice, and after three days, so does the audience.

Stick with your own perception of yourself-living in your own world-and letting your reality, not the reality presented by other people or particular situations, control your performance.

In choosing your god, you choose your way of looking at the universe. There are plenty of Gods. Choose yours.

We must open the doors of opportunity.

Well, I suppose I could do a solo album, but my god, it would be terrible!

Government is the people's business and every man, woman and child becomes a shareholder with the first penny of tax paid.

Training is practice doing a new task much more slowly than an expert would do it.