If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Showing charity towards others is the biggest lesson we canteach our children to guide them in their future on this planet.

You must know that with a good heart you can never be a poor person! And you must also know that with a bad heart it is impossible to be a rich person! Goodness enriches

Racing is a great mania to which one must sacrifice everything, without reticence, without hesitation.

It would be foolish to describe the logistics hub as merely ugly, for it has the horrifying, soulless, immaculate beauty characteristic of many of the workplaces of the modern world.

You have to have something that is forever, something that is invisible.

Those philosophers who believe in the absolute logic of truth have never had to discuss it on close terms with a woman.

I try to live my life one day at a time, and if I look too far in advance, I get really stressed.

Meditation is not a means to an end. It is both the means and the end.

I struggle for what I believe in. Life is short, it's impossible to repeat something; you have to take advantage of things when you can reach them.

See, broken things always have a story, don't they?