If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?

It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.

Don't ever forget the words on a postcard that my father sent me last year: "If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

At sunset we are rattling through the streets of the little town of Cordova.

Chile could work as a double for L.A.; it's very production-friendly and there's terrific talent down there.

The same people who tell us that smoking doesn't cause cancer are now telling us that advertising cigarettes doesn't cause smoking.

Be kind to the living.

[The man] thinks he's being condemned because of his color but actually he's being condemned because of his deeds, his conscious behavior.

Like Midas, the Rationalist is always in the unfortunate position of not being able to touch anything, without transforming it into an abstraction; he can never get a square meal of experience.

I came here to tell you the truth, the good, the bad and the ugly.

If you want to enlarge your life, you must first enlarge your thought of it and of yourself.

All activities and events that a body is to go through are determined at the time of conception.