If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Farming is a profession of hope

Forgetfulness is a form of freedom.

If you want to be an honorable man, then be what you pretend to be.

At every party there are two kinds of people - those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

The signature of mediocrity is chronic inconsistency.

he'd know that I think that . . . well, that bending an enemy's will through military force is the absolute last way a nation ought to go about solving their problems.

The source of joy is within yourself. Unless and until you seek yourself you cannot seek God.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

You can protest, you can protest peacefully, but keep things civil.