If the world somehow actually ends tomorrow, let all forget about the Mayans and just agree it's the NHL's fault

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Life Sucks,get a helmet

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?

Crisis doesn't create character; it reveals it.

Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

What firefighters, and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do, basically these people say "I'm going to protect all these strangers."

In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve.

Suit your manner to the man.

The best advice I have been given is to live in the moment, as cliché as that sounds. It's crazy.

If I were to say, "Yes, I am a fascinating, erudite person," what would that say about me? I don't know.

Anybody who knows me knows my vote can't be bought.

Yet mystery and imagination arise from the same source. This source is called darkness ... Darkness within darkness, the gateway to all understanding.

Always remember, nothing can touch you if you inwardly love God.

I was thinking about that, about what lines you'd be willing to cross if someone took your loved one or child.

I enjoy doing physical comedy.

You repeat things because they're like your personal obsessions