If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

When the moon is shining the cripple becomes hungry for a walk

I surrender my life to the Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Im from Connecticut. My Mom is an army brat, and my Dad is a navy brat. My childhood was fun. My parents are still together. My childhood was pretty carefree.

A God who makes no demands, is the functional equivalent of a God who does not exist.

But I've been surprised over the years. I mean, someone told me the other day that maybe 360 million people have played this game in the world. That's a lot of people.

The worst thing about religion was religious people.

It is no use to keep private information which you can't show off.

Life becomes meaningful and all activities are purposeful only on the basis of faith in the enduring reality.

The present Stimulus Bill sets up the equivalent commission in the United States similar to that which is in England.