If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

When you're corked...you're corked!

God will forgive me. That's his business.

I believe there's an inner power that makes winners or losers. And the winners are the ones who really listen to the truth of their hearts.

I think the fact that I look totally artificial, but I am totally real, has its own kind of magic in it.

Life's but a day at most.

There was clearly great charm and worth in a sport so quaintly perverse in its basic instructions. Hit down to make the ball rise. Swing easy to make it go far. Finish high to make it go straight.

Every reform was once a private opinion, and when it shall be a private opinion again, it will solve the problem of the age.

I love to rock, but it's liberating not to always have to keep up with the freight train that is the Old 97's

I have never been motivated by money in my life. You can't make choices based on what the financial return might be.

Success, the real success, does not depend upon the position you hold but upon how you carry yourself in that position.