If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

My favorite animal is steak.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

If one is willing to do a thing he is afraid to do he does not have to ... face a situation fearlessly and [if] there is no situation to face it falls away of its own weight.

I was just sick of being fat, you know? You get sick of it. It just really, it's a tiring lifestyle to have.

I wondered, "Why have I been chasing happiness my whole life when bliss was here the entire time?

Where I am death is not, where death is I am not.

Stop being Jews and start being human beings.

Being crazy about someone isn't nice or passionate or deeply moving; it is, surprisingly enough, crazy.

There's nothing wrong with the free-enterprise system. But it has to have some compassion.

There's room for everyone. There's room for pop country, for 'rock & roll' country, for stone-cold country, and everything in-between. Great music is great music.

I get a lot of kids distracted. Sometimes they got to go cover left field, but they're over here talking to me, getting an autograph.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional.