If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

...because it is the very nature of Imperialism to turn humans into beasts.

Even evil and evil-doing can be overcome by suggestion.

Six weeks with a fever is an eternity.

Enough experience will make you wise.

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.

Hollywood is an extraordinary kind of temporary place.

The values of commodities are directly as the times of labor employed in their production, and are inversely as the productive powers of the labor employed.

But I don't sit down at dinner and have clever ideas.

Tomorrow you might get a phone call about something wonderful and you might get a phone call about something terrible.

Two years work wasted, I have been breeding those flies for all that time and I've got nothing out of it.