If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I care about strangers when they're abstractions, but I feel almost nothing when they're literally in front of me.

Teasing was big in my family, and there is a wonderful way to tease and make people feel more loved.

A man does not exist until he is drunk.

I would not have gone into Iraq.

Every day, set your mind in the right direction. Find something to be grateful for.

No place has delicatessen like New York.

Raising kids is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Oh, my mom. She's one of my biggest fans.

The greater the fool the better the dancer.

Seriously, I would go in a second. I'd be the first actor in space and I'd love to do it.