If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You don't have to stop thinking and asking questions to believe in God, child. If He'd wanted a flock of eight billion sheep, He wouldn't have given us opposable thumbs, much less free will.

Matt?” “Hmm?” “Kiss me.” He leaned in and rested his forehead against hers. “Sweetheart, I thought you’d never ask.

Being a slave to a fellow human being, many times, starts with giving his opinion more weight than you should.

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases... I don’t know why that struck me, but it did. 'She has a servant’s heart, ' I thought.

The problem of disbelieving in God is not that a man ends up believing nothing. Alas, it is much worse. He ends up believing anything.

I'm not Michael Moore. I think Michael Moore wants to tell you how to think. He wants to give you answers. I make movies to raise my own personal questions and not to give answers.

Scripture is like a pair of spectacles which dispels the darkness and gives us a clear view of God.

Most so-called writers keep writing and writing with the hope, some day, to find something to say.

Everybody has problems.

I have to read comic books all first, because now when you get into graphic novels, they are definitely in deep graphic.