If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

Yes my lord, but questions are dangerous, for they have answers

This is not about going back. This is about life being ahead of you and you run at it! Because you never know how far you can run unless you run.

You'd claim me?" he asked, hopeful but cautious.She nodded once. "Because I'd never set a monster like you loose in the world.

You and I are made of stardust. We are the stuff of exploded stars. We are therefore, at least 1 way that the Universe knows itself. That, to me, is astonishing.

It's in the homes of spiteful old widows that one finds such cleanliness.

Real worship is that of the heart.

I think that you can disagree with people and debate over their positions with issues without engaging in the politics of personal destruction.

Where an opinion is general, it is usually correct.

As a leader, you will receive a large amount of praise and criticism and you should not unduly affected by either.

A good cook is not necessarily a good woman with an even temper. Some allowance should be made for artistic temperament.