If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.

Middle age: when you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms.

To be born in Kentucky is a heritage; to brag about it is a habit; to appreciate it is a virtue.

Until you go to Kentucky and with your own eyes behold the Derby, you ain't never been nowhere and you ain't seen nothin'!

If I wanted to go crazy I would do it in Washington because it would not be noticed

You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

If a woman likes another woman, she's cordial. If she doesn't like her, she's very cordial.

A funeral eulogy is a belated plea for the defense delivered after the evidence is all in.

Men are vain; but they won't mind women working so long as they get smaller wages for the same job.

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.

Yes! If you really love your beautiful garden of dreams, you will never allow any hungry beast to have its way in. Keep dream killers away!

Truth seldom is pleasant; it is almost invariably bitter.

When two people compliment each other with the choice of anything, each of them generally gets that which he likes least.

Earthworms are the intenstines of the soil.

The most enduring contributions made to civilization have not been made by brawn, they have been made by brain.

Human beings have a vested interest in being trustworthy.

Reincarnation? There is such a thing. What could be more Mozartian than the Nutcracker Suite?

Nobody cared about swimming. You could draw a crowd for basketball.

And (cue music swell) motherhood turned out to be the most meaningful thing I've ever done with my life. Really.

I'll say that I don't think you can throw a stone and not come in contact with someone who knows someone or has problems with substance abuse.