If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

America is such a great country, we have fat poor people.

You have everything you need today to do what God has for you to do today.

A winner never quits and a quitter never wins.

When girls are asking themselves 'Who am I?' for the first time and they hear all this bad PR about math, they think, 'Well, whoever I am, I'm not somebody who likes math.'

Try and inject into every commercial you make a touch of singularity; a bird that will hook on to the consumers mind

Only the French, I guess, really use tenor and alto to any great extent in the orchestra

I'm just a bleeping maniac in straight clothing. There's no reason to dress my monster up.

We gave up everything just to sit at your table.

Many of our troubles are due to the fact that our people turn to politicians for everything.

So come to the pond, or the river of your imagination, or the harbor of your longing, and put your lips to the world. And live your life.

My father didn't think being an artist was a respectable or worthy goal for a man. He hoped I would see my way to more serious work and would find myself turning towards medicine, law, or business.